If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
