im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
