does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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