We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Randomize
