I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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