70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
