He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
