he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
