Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
