they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
