Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
