Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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