he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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