your parents love me but you hate me
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
