ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
