There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
