1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
