Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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