Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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