i think i have herpe
just one?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
