Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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