If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
