I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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