There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
