worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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