I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
