??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We are all done wearing pants today
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
