i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
