Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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