remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
