I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
