did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
