he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
