Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
