its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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