DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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