Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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