took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
