I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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