Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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