Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
