Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
