the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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