You can't motorboat a personality
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
