So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
