Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
