I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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