I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
