nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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