Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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