I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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