there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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