Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
