my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
