i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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