i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
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when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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