i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
