TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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