just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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